I confess I now fully understand why some men (fathers) just leave their children. It’s not necessarily justifiable or right, but it’s a reason nonetheless and I really do get it now.

This post isn’t about men and it’s not about women. It’s about being a parent, but it’s told from my perspective as a dad. Sure, some fathers are unreasonable and petty as well. The street goes both ways in many cases. But this is my blog, not yours.

I’m convinced that some fathers bail because they get tired of dealing with their unreasonable ex. They get tired of the petty nonsense that some relationships become after people split. They do a simple cost / benefit analysis and the “numbers” just don’t add up for them. They’re faced with an ex that’s beyond reason, that seemingly behaves the way they do on purpose and with malice – maybe even in an attempt to convince the other parent to just bail.

Who knows?

Maybe in some circumstances it’s best that they do just bail. But I’m convinced children need both of their parents to feel whole. The fact of the matter is that many parents – fathers and mothers alike, don’t let go of their feelings and emotions after their relationship ends and they drag it out – sometimes for years.

They want nothing more than to “stick it to” their ex for what they did to them.

Who pays the price? The kids. Yes, of course. We all know that, and yet, some of us still do it. Some of us continue on with our petty, nonsensical, childish behavior.

I sometimes want to bail.

But I never will. It’s just not in me to leave him.

“Petty Looks Good On You”, Said No Co-Parent. Ever.

Are you a petty person? Most of us would respond out of instinct with an emphatic “NO!”.

So, let me rephrase the question. Are you a petty person after your relationships end?

Yes, some of us are. And it’s harming our children.

If you’re being a petty co-parent then stop. Stop right now. Grow up and do what’s best for your children.

I’m faced with petty, maddening situations on a regular basis and, for the most part, I choose not to participate. I choose to be a parent to my son first. But everyone has their breaking point. Mine involves writing a blog post.

Get over it, grow up and be a parent.

If you’re the type that just wants to fight, ask yourself, “What’s the point?” If you’ve been apart for years, isn’t it time to move on? Being petty is stupid, unproductive and harmful to your kids and as parents, we just need to grow up.

If petty is what you’ve become in your relationship, grow up. Some men bail – and I don’t blame them. Because they just don’t want to put up with petty nonsense any more.

But my son is worth it to me. My son is worth putting up with my unreasonable ex so that I can maintain a relationship with him.

Despite her.

In spite of her.

I’m no picture of perfection – don’t get me wrong. But I am reasonable, if nothing else.

Photo credit: Stephan Geyer via photopin cc

The post Petty Looks Good On You (Confessions of a Co-Parent Dad) appeared first on #Dadtography.

I must confess, crazy conversations with ex’s are events that both amuse and frustrate me to no end. Many of us don’t think clearly after we part our ways, and that often leads to some downright maddening conversations.

Now, just because you have crazy conversations with them doesn’t mean they (or you) are crazy, but logic is often nowhere to be found when you and your ex speak.

If you witness any or all of these crazy ex quotes, you can be reasonably certain your ex is still in their post-relationship “fog” and it’s best to simply limit conversations with them to smoke signals or carrier pigeon until they (hopefully) return to sanity.

Crazy Conversation #5 – Talking in Circles

A conversation with an ex that talks in circles can be extremely frustrating. You ask a question and they answer a different question – or provide no real answer at all. It can make communication extremely difficult, leaving you wonder if they’re actually speaking another language and you don’t realize it. Unnecessary back and forth leads to confusion and frustration (in my experience). Can’t we just get to the point?

A circular conversation with your ex may go something like this:

Crazy Conversation #4 – Hatred for People They Don’t Know

Another one of my favorite crazy ex conversations is the classic expression of hatred for people they don’t know or have never met. Now don’t get me wrong, being a passionate person isn’t a bad thing, but when that passion is unpredictable or mis-directed – well, that’s another story.

A conversation with an ex may go something like this:

Crazy Conversation #3 – Double-Standards

This is one of my personal favorites. Hypocrisy often runs rampant when relationships end. What’s good for the goose is often NOT good for the gander.

I’m not even sure what that means but I think it fits here. Anyway…

If you’re as frustrated as I am with post-relationship double-standards then you know exactly how this feels. A conversation with an ex that’s living in double-standard world may look something like this:

Crazy Conversation #2 – Silent Treatment

Silent treatments from the ex actually sorta make me giggle. Truth be told, I wish we could give each other the silent treatment, oh for say, FOREVER. But alas, we have this pesky co-parenting thing we have to do for the next eighteen or so years.

Yeah, bummer. Some ex’s just don’t understand that the silence is golden and they’re doing you a favor by keeping their mouths shut.

Crazy Conversation #1 – Your Last Civil Conversation

Do you remember when the last civil conversation you had with your ex was?

I do.

It’s sad that when most conversations go so poorly you actually remember the last one that didn’t. Shouldn’t civility be the norm in co-parenting? If only we could get over ourselves and just be parents

What’s so crazy about this conversation? This is the way our conversations with our exes should be. But it’s not the norm for most couples.

All conversations appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental but perhaps not entirely by accident.

The post Confessions of a Co-Parent Dad: Top 5 Crazy Ex Conversations appeared first on #Dadtography.

Only seeing your child part time, whether a biological child or a stepchild gained through a new marriage, can be a major challenge. A child’s schedule is already filled with school and extracurricular activities, and adding a visitation schedule into the mix is a challenge even for couples on the best terms. By remembering some key points about co-parenting, you can maintain your involvement and influence in your child’s life with minimal disruption caused by a break up of parents.

Make Two Houses Two Homes

Currently there are no studies showing that a single, primary “home base” household is better for a child’s wellbeing. Often, a parent will make the argument for a single home during legal agreements in order to gain control or more time with their child, but this is unnecessary and both houses can be stable, loving environments. Part of successfully making your house a home is providing a safe and comfortable spaces, such as their own bed and room for belongings, a space for play or doing homework, and a regular spot at mealtimes.

Balancing Weekday and Weekend Schedules

When co-parents live closer together, the balance of work week and weekend schedules is easier to balance. When a parent is given primarily weekends, with one weeknight a week, this can lead to various problems. First, the dynamic of “fun parent” and “work parent” is established, with weekends dedicated to outings, activities, and meals out while the “work parent” is in charge of commutes, homework, and sticking to schedules. A blend of weekdays and weekends gives both parents a chance to balance the responsibilities of child rearing, and also get to share in fun activities.

Agree on Boundaries

One of the easiest traps to fall into with co-parenting is the separation of punishments. If a child misbehaves, it is up to the parents to agree upon what punishment is fair and fits the misdemeanor. Having an imbalance of power this way won’t make your child love you anymore, but may lead to respecting you less. In the way that both households need to share chores and rewards, punishments and lesson learning needs to be shared too, in order for both parents to have a full and valuable role in their child’s life. Similarly, treats or indulgences should be balanced between the households, and if one parent allows for ice cream after dinner, the other should too, or at least agree upon when ice cream is allowed. Bribery by way of either lax rules or special treats does not a good child-parent bond make.

Make a Positive Plan

Finding the way to interact positively with your ex-partner is vital to joint custody. Agreeing to speak to each other with courtesy, even outside the presence of your child, is key to finding a compromise in other matters. This may mean missing a sports event or school event in order to avoid animosity between parents, but a plan beforehand, agreed upon outside the heat of the moment, will make the misses bearable. Additionally, not allowing your child to speak poorly of your ex in your presence will set you up for a foundation of mutual respect throughout the mixed family.

The post How to: Effective Parenting on a Part-Time Visitation Schedule appeared first on #Dadtography.

Co-parenting can be difficult enough without the added stress of dealing with an unreasonable ex. I know this first hand. Earlier this month I wrote a post titled, Co-Parent Dad: Tales of a Second-Class Parent that took a shallow dive into my own personal feelings about being a single dad co-parent.

Voluntarily taking a back-seat as a caring, involved father is difficult to do, to say the least – but because of the way many states’ laws are written, a large number of fathers are required to do just that. My regular schedule with my son during his school year means that I don’t see him for a week at a time every-other week. That’s very difficult to do under good circumstances, but when there are co-parenting and communication difficulties, it can be excruciating.

Co-parenting is difficult enough without the added stress of dealing with an unreasonable ex!…
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I have a hard and fast rule on this site that I never post anything that ‘bashes’ an ex and I’ll maintain that standard for myself and anyone else that guest posts on my site. The fact is that many parents – both moms and dads – have a great deal of difficulty when dealing with their ex for really no logical reason at all. How do you handle a situation when the behavior of the other party just doesn’t make any sense?

My “Unreasonable Ex” Incident

By the time this article posts my son will have turned 9 years old and I will have missed his birthday. How am I clairvoyant, you ask? My ex refused to allow me to see him on his birthday due to a technicality in our custody agreement. The exact wording of the section of our agreement is below:

Three (3) hours of visitation with the child(ren) between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m during each child’s birthday. The non-residential parent shall confirm to the residential parent at least ten (10) days in advance of each child’s birthday of the intent to exercise this visitation. This visitation shall be awarded to the residential parent, if the child’s birthday falls on a regularly scheduled visitation day.

Battling technicalities exactly like this was one of the reasons that prompted me to file for a modification. What our agreement essentially says is that I (as the ‘non-residential‘ parent) am required to request time with my son on his birthday at least 10 days prior. If I do not make this request in time, she can refuse.

In reality, she doesn’t even need a reason to say “no” since my request is just expressing my intent. In other words, I am asking her permission to see my son. This year I mistakenly forgot about the 10 day requirement and made the request only 8 days in advance. She refused to allow me to see him on his birthday because of this technicality.

I’ve seen him on every one of his previous birthdays (except another instance of her also refusing contact before we had any agreement in place) and my son also told me that he wanted to see me on his birthday. I can’t speculate as to my ex’s reasoning – she wasn’t technically in the wrong, but her decision didn’t only impact me but it affected my son as well. He was brought to tears at the idea of not seeing his dad on his birthday and I can’t say I blame him.

How I Deal With My Unreasonable Ex

Dealing with difficulties like the one I described above can be almost too much to handle at times. Irrational and arguably damaging behavior, and that which seemingly goes against all logic, can be very frustrating.

Here are a few tips that have served me well so far when dealing with my unreasonable ex.

Tip 1 – Look for a Work-around

Instead of rolling over or blowing up, I went looking for my own work-around to patch up the situation. I called the school and learned the details about what was required to have lunch with my son that day. I didn’t get my regular 3 hours with him as our agreement provided, but at least I still got to see him on his special day and spend some quality time together.

Tip 2 – Choose Your Battles

This tip and the next will, at first glance, be a little bit contradictory. I could have gone ballistic when she informed me that I wouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to see my son because of my late notice, but I kept my cool.

Escalating a situation is often not the best course of action when it comes to custody matters. Doing so will risk hurting more than your ex and can also have an impact on your children. If your intentions are pure, then your children’s best interests really should be your primary concern.

Tip 3 – Stand Up For Yourself

Tip 2 is not advocating being a total push-over, but instead is a ‘choose your battles’ recommendation. If you feel that you’re regularly taken advantage of and (especially) if you think your child’s other parent is making decisions that clearly aren’t in your child’s best interests, you should take action through the proper legal channels.

Consulting with an attorney and discussing your case is really the best way to enact permanent change in your situation.

Here are a few tips that have served me well so far when dealing with my unreasonable ex. #divorce…
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The post Co-Parenting 101 – Dealing With an Unreasonable Ex appeared first on #Dadtography.

Co-parenting relationships can be very much like politics. If you’re a co-parent yourself, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve seen or heard anything about what’s going on in Washington, D.C. lately, I also think you’d agree that Congress and the President could learn a thing or two from us!

Below is some free advice (they couldn’t pay me because of the shut-down anyway) for our “leaders” on how to resolve the on-going disputes that are plaguing our system.

Learn to Negotiate like a Co-Parent

How cool would it be if #Republicans and #Democrats could negotiate like #coparents?
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Seriously.

Co-parents survive from our ability to negotiate, right? Nothing gets done unless you know how to negotiate – and part of that negotiation is the ability to compromise. It’s the nature of any relationship ending that two people will want to part ways. Even if you end up as friends, your involvement in your ex’s life will likely decrease.

Well, co-parenting relationships continue on, often at the displeasure of both parties. When you’re “stuck” in each other’s lives, you have to make the best of it, though. Who wants to spend the next 18 years being miserable?

Not I!

Like successful co-parents, our leaders in Congress should learn how to negotiate. You’d think they would have already acquired this most basic skill but it seems not all have. Heck, maybe we should elect more co-parents into our government! Maybe we’d avoid some of the issues we’re having now.

Learn to Choose Your Battles like a Co-Parent

#CoParents teach @realDonaldTrump a few things about choosing your battles.
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I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase before: “Pick your battles.” It’s sage advice, for sure, that I think all successful co-parents are able to master. Not every battle is worth fighting, especially when you consider you’re in things for the long-haul, more than likely. Making a mountain out of every mole hill will only dig you deeper into a hole.

And guess who often pays the price? Your children.

There’s a fine line between being a proverbial door mat and rolling over on every disagreement and standing up for yourself (or your child) too often. There are bound to be differences in opinion in how to parent your child. Those differences may have even led to your split. Those difference may have naturally worked themselves out had you and your ex remained together, but in a co-parent situation they can often linger.

Learn to Listen like a Co-Parent

Listening is as much a part of negotiations as speaking – if not more. Why do I have the feeling that there’s a large number of speeches occurring but very few listeners in Washington? What happens when someone starts talking AT you rather than TO you?

I don’t know about you, but I stop listening. What happens when one party in a negotiation stops listening?

The negotiation breaks down!

Sure, we all have our points to get across, but as successful co-parents we have to listen to each other, too. Who knows, if you actually put on your listening ears the next time you’re arguing about something you may actually hear a solution to the problem.

The post Republicans and Democrats Could Learn a Few Things From Co-Parenting appeared first on #Dadtography.

You probably already know by now that I’m a divorced dad. My son and I live in a co-parenting situation like many families do these days. It’s not ideal, but “it is what it is” and we make do.

But this article isn’t about custody – it’s about co-parenting. Co-parenting situations exist in divorced families as well as nuclear families, just in different ways. When parents work together to raise a child, they’re co-parenting.

The fact is that some dads struggle with their role as a parent every day. Some don’t know it but they may even be contributing to the reason behind their struggle. Dads everywhere fight an up-hill battle just to parent their own children. Here’s why, as I see it.

Sexism in Parenting Isn’t Sexy at All

Sexism in parenting and gender roles isn't sexy at all.
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What it is – in a word, “harmful”.

Dads get the short end of the parenting stick, it seems, and that shortened stick is perpetuated by stale arguments laced with the stench of “gender roles”. I’m not just talking about co-parenting dads, either.

Dads are portrayed as barely knowing the difference between their asses and their elbows when it comes to basic parenting skills. You know the old commercial – there sits poor dad, all covered in baby powder, unable to change his baby girl’s diaper because he’s a dad. Mom’s not around and dad doesn’t have a clue. Dad is fumbling and he needs help.

Serious help.

Parental Sexism in Advertising

Dear @Clorox: my wife is traveling for 5 weeks. Note: clean kitchen and ZERO #clorox Please tag a good dad that you think deserves better than this and help remind brands we’re #DadsNotMorons! #Dadtography

A photo posted by Daniel Ruyter (@danielruyter) on Jul 2, 2015 at 8:11am PDT

One of my favorite “dad bloggers”, 8bitdad.com regularly runs ‘exposé’ type pieces on dads in advertising. They’ve been doing it for years, actually.

How are dads portrayed in the media. How are we represented by brands? One of 8BD’s best articles, titled, “Dadvertising in 2011 – a New Hope” shows a number of ads that portray dad in a better (and I’d argue, more realistic) light.

Some companies get it or are coming around, but not all.

Sure, doofus dad that can’t change a diaper or who burns the water he’s making the macaroni & cheese may give us a chuckle, but it also reinforces the notion that dads shouldn’t be parents and you know what? I’m convinced that leads to some dads not being parents.

Does the media portrayal of doofus dad contribute to aloof fathers? #parenting #dad
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Co-Parenting, Parenting Equality and “They’re My Kids Too!”

Being a co-parent dad, I take a special exception to the way dads are portrayed in the media when it’s done in a demeaning manner.

Dads are parents too and we deserve to be respected as equals just as women deserve to be respected as equals in the work force, in the political arena and, well, everywhere else!

But co-parenting situations after a divorce are a different beast. To a large degree, dads occupy the back seat because of those that came before us. Therefore, the question has to be asked, “Which came first, the bad dad or the laws to protect the mother and children from them?”

The Classic Co-Parenting Chicken vs Egg Debate

The fact is that far too many dads, especially in co-parenting situations, take a back seat in parenting to moms.

“And for good reason!” chimes in the peanut gallery.

You know, what? You’re right.

Sorta.

Which came first, the bad dad or the slanted public sentiment and legal precedence?

Plenty of, ahem, “dads” along the way have screwed it up for those that actually want to be a part of and be present in their childrens’ lives. That really sucks; I hate those guys that messed things up for us.

But have the bad apples ruined it for the rest of us?

Many courts are starting to turn their policies around in many states where dads had to prove they were capable parents before they were given any semblance of equal rights in parenting. Many states’ court systems are now favoring 50/50 shared parenting plans unless there’s a good reason not to – on either end. Sometimes there is a good reason. Many times, there isn’t and both parents should have equal rights and time with their children (and I’d argue the child has equal rights to the parent as well).

So, what’s the problem?

A Lesser-Known Bastion of Discrimination

Sexism in parenting may be the purple elephant in the corner or it may be that people are just now recognizing it’s there. Just as there is (or was) rampant sexism in the work place and in politics, there is still sexism (not just by women, but by men as well) in parenting. Sexism, just like any type of discrimination, is an individual behavior. Sure, it can be perpetuated by social influences, but it’s something one person does that another person may choose not to do.

There are still many moms that think dads should take a back seat in parenting. They feel that they should be the primary parent and the dad should play second string. There are many dads that think men should take a back seat in parenting as well!

Why?

We need to break down those walls that surround “traditional” parental roles because, quite frankly, they just don’t apply any more. A dad can be just as good of a parent as a mom can be a construction worker. I’ve seen dads change diapers like champions and I’ve seen women change tires like they were on a pit crew of an Indy car team.

Besides, what’s it all about in the end, anyway?

What’s best for the children, that’s what.

The post Why you should care about sexism in parenting and equality for dads. appeared first on #Dadtography.

The holidays are a time of joyous occasions, building traditions and enjoying family time with the children and maybe even the extended family. So what happens when there is a break in the family such as a divorce?  What is one to do in such an occasion where the kids are caught in the middle?

The truth is it really depends on how bad the divorce or split was and how the parents are handling the breakup more so than the children. If the parents are amicable or if there was bloodshed (figuratively hopefully) can make a world of difference in life after a split. Here are some tips to surviving the holidays after divorce to keep in mind if you are a divorced or separated dad or mom.

Holiday Survival Tip #1: (Try to) Play Nice

There is nothing worse than two parents fighting.  It can take a day that was supposed to be an enjoyable annual tradition and destroy it.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 1 - (try to) be nice. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #2: Set Up a Schedule In Advance

Even if the divorce was amicable chances are mom and dad do not want to be with each other.  Exchanging holiday schedule requests is important to avoiding conflict in what should be a happy time of year.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 2 - schedule in advance (and stick to it). #Divorce…
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Holiday Survival Tip #3: Be Flexible

If trading holidays doesn’t work out then try half days; the morning with mom and the evening with dad or vice versa. It benefits no one when either party is unreasonable in their requests or approving the other party’s requests.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 3 - try to be flexible. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #4: Bury the Hatchet?

If the divorce was a mutual understanding and there are no bad feelings towards each other perhaps you could even try to enjoy the holiday in the same house. Families being together during the holidays can help all parties involved. Just be careful to set expectations of your children to make sure they know mommy and daddy are just getting along, not getting back together.  You may want to have a contingency plan if that isn’t working.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 4 - try to bury the hatchet. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #5: Keep Your Cool

Do not, under any circumstances, ever, take out your frustration of mom’s new partner on your children.  In a way, he (or she) may be your child’s new partner as well. Taking the high road any time of the year is definitely the way to go – especially during the holidays.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 5 - always keep your cool. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #6: Don’t Try to Compete

The holidays can bring up many old feelings from the past and they can be good or bad.  It’s not a competition and shouldn’t be used as one to see who can get the better presents.  It’s about showing the kids that even divorced parents can still show the kids love and support.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 6 - don't try to compete. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #7: Collaborate on Gift-Giving

Again, assuming the divorce was clean and you’re at least somewhat amicable, why not try planning a big present that can be shared at both homes?  Something like a video game system, tablet device or bicycle make for a few suggestions.

Post-divorce holiday survival tip number 7 - collaborate on gifts. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #8: Family AND Friends

Divorces can drive wedges in between the children and parents for obvious reasons.  It can help the child if a friend is over to keep them company. Older children (especially teens) look to their social circles more and more. Why not include friends in the holidays at times as well?

Post-divorce holiday tip number 8 - nurture relationships with family and friends. #Divorce…
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Holiday Survival Tip #9: Have Empathy

If the divorce was nasty, dirty and didn’t go well, try to see it not only from the kid’s point of view but from your ex as well. The holidays are a time for understanding and compassion. It’s the perfect time to set aside some of your anomosity and put you  It can be difficult to see what they can see.

Post-divorce holiday tip number 9 - have empathy. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #10: Realistic Expectations

It’s important that you go into the holidays with realistic expectations. The holidays are a time for forgiving and forgetting. You may bury the hatchet for the time being, as mentioned above. You may actually be getting along! Use this time to improve your relationship, but be realistic. You split up for a reason. The holidays can make things better for the time being, but don’t let that cloud your judgement for the long-term.

Post-divorce holiday tip number 10 - realistic expectations. #Divorce #coparent
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Holiday Survival Tip #11: Agree to Disagree

Obviously many of these tips are not unique to the holidays – they apply year-round. There are some things that just can’t be agreed on and that’s ok; agree to disagree without making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Your divorce is something that was caused by mom and dad not the kids.  Surviving this holiday isn’t hard if you have some help and hopefully these steps will be that help you need!

Post-divorce holiday tip number 11 - when all else fails, agree to disagree. #Divorce #coparent
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The post Eleven Tips to Surviving the Holidays After Divorce appeared first on #Dadtography.

I learned a lot after my divorce, and while hindsight really is 20/20, I’m hoping to pass some of that knowledge along to others. One of the big lessons I learned very quickly was how to share (custody of my son, more specifically). Sharing isn’t easy, but it is a necessity if you hope to have a post-divorce relationship with your ex that doesn’t make you want to pull all of your hair out.

Below is some advice from my experiences over the years coming out of my divorce.

For Every End, a Beginning

First, there is the end. Then there is the transition. Then rebirth. This is the cycle of all major life events. The end of a relationship can be a huge adjustment. What was once a source of comfort and likely the center of your daily life is turned absolutely upside down. You will quite literally go from seeing your family every day, to only seeing them half of the time and that s about best-case scenario. As a parent, this can be one of the most difficult aspects of splitting up with your ex and can even be a reason (if only in your mind) for staying together. How does one deal with this adjustment? How, as loving, adoring, nurturing parents, do we go from spending so much of our time with our children to spending so little?

It Is What It Is: Cliché but True

I’m not one to be blasé about anything but, to an extent, that s what we have to do as parents after a divorce where children are involved put on our big boy and big girl undies and deal with it. Ideally a family stays together. When that s not possible, it may be best to split up. It s not great, it s not good, it s not really even ok. It is what it is. When divorce is inevitable and you re better off splitting up, what can you do to minimize the impact of the divorce and time-sharing on you and your children?

Stay Involved and Don’t Give Up!

Post-divorce it is every parent s responsibility to remain as active in their childrens lives as humanly possible. Just because the child may be staying with the other parent that night doesn t mean you stop being a mom or dad. Time with the other parent isn t a vacation from parenting. Children are not an out-of-sight, out-of-mind marital accessory. They need to know that they are still important to you after you re no longer able to tuck them in every night. Make that bedtime phone call. Attend the parent-teacher conferences, dance recitals, baseball games and other events that you d likely attend had you not split with your ex. A divorce is never an excuse to stop being a parent. No matter what happens between you and your ex, stay involved in your childrens lives.

Different, Yet the Same

Maintaining similar routines, environments and experiences as close to normal as possible is widely regarded as what is best for children after a divorce. It s not practical to simulate being a nuclear family besides, children would easily see through the rouse if you try to trick them. Creating a safe space for them in their new (second) home is very important to helping children adjust after a divorce. Their address may change but your love for them won t and it s important that they understand different doesn t have to be a bad thing.

Onward and Upward

About the worst thing any (especially non-residential) parent can do during a transition from nuclear family to single parent is to sit and wallow in your own misery while your children are away. You ll likely discover a new feeling of loneliness that you hadn t felt in the past. This is completely normal! Especially early on I learned to loathe Monday, Tuesday & Thursday nights.

Summer breaks were especially trying when I would go entire weeks without being able to see my son. They were torturous to me and I was at risk of sinking into a depression if I didn t do something about how I was dealing with my solitude. I was alone in my thoughts far too many hours a day. Something had to give. You must (MUST) deal with those feelings whether it be alone or with personal or professional assistance from the outside. What you do with all of that newly-found freedom and down time and how you respond and deal with those feelings may determine your success or failure as a parent and even your future happiness. The stakes are that high.

I did my best to see my situation as an opportunity rather than let it drag me down. I suddenly had hours of free time per week that I hadn t enjoyed since, well, since my teenage years! Do not squander this opportunity! Grab yourself by those bootstraps and do something positive! Take the time to better yourself by going back to school, start a productive, creative and/or self-fulfilling hobby (like writing) and generally keep yourself busy.

The post Learning to Share – Timesharing in a Post-Divorce Relationship appeared first on #Dadtography.

Editors’s Introduction: I’d like to welcome Dadtography.com’s newest “Dadtographer”, Joseph. Joseph is a new single dad trying to adjust to the hard realities of co-parenting and not being able to see his girls as much as he once did. I hope you can relate to Joseph’s thoughts and stories – I know I certainly can. Please help me to welcome Joseph by leaving a comment below or sharing this post on your favorite social media channel.

Life as a new single dad has been a rough adjustment. To go from caring for and seeing my two girls to hardly seeing them at all has been hell for me. Going from the role of what seemed like Mommy & Daddy to just part time Dad and tore me apart both mentally & emotionally.

As an involved dad in marriage, no one could prepare me for life without my girls after #divorce.
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Roughly a month ago, my wife and I came to the decision that it just was not going to work. I made arrangements with a friend for a temporary place to stay. We got a support arrangement temporary figured out. That part went OK. However, no one could prepare me for life without my girls. It was a little over a week before I got to see them for the first time, post-separation. It was the longest, most agonizing week I have ever lived through. I remember talking to friends and family about it and just breaking down. I just remember thinking to myself how great it was going to be to finally get to see them again. When I did see them, I know tears of joy just flowed from my eyes like Niagara Falls. It was just a great feeling seeing them come running over and giving me a huge hug. At that moment, I did not want to let them go. We played for a while and had an overall good time.

Then it came time to leave. I put the girls to bed like I had done many times in the past. Only this time, my oldest Madi, started asking questions. I answered them with the best of my ability, trying to hold back the tears. I just remember telling her that “No matter where I’m at, I always love you”. She settled down and I left. When I got in my car I just sat there, almost in disbelief of what happened. Once I gathered my thoughts, I went home. I remember not sleeping that night. I laid there continually thinking about that next time I would see them.

Christmas came and went. I got to see them for a little before bed on Christmas Eve and I got to see them for a few hours Christmas morning. I remember going home after and just laying around, almost in a deep depression. In theory, it really shouldn’t be different from any other time I’ve gotten to see them and having to leave. This time just seemed worse.

While I have only been a single dad for a little over a month, I’ve learned some valuable lessons already. Cherish every waking moment you have with your kids because you don’t know what life will throw in front of you next.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my experiences with everyone here at #Dadtography.

The post Adjusting to Life as a New Single Dad… appeared first on #Dadtography.

As you may know from my previous post, I am a new single father. My wife and I are currently seperated and headed toward divorce.

My oldest is four and she is having a very hard time adjusting to the new situation. After a recent parent/teacher conference, the teacher mentioned that she has “definately noticed a difference in my daughter but, would have never guessed that was going on”. That being the seperation, I can only assume.

When I was told this, I felt like I have failed my child. While I stand by my decision to seperate, recent thoughts have suggested I try to work it out…for the sake of my kids.

My youngest, 1 1/2, has her moments but overall doesn’t seem to care. Probably because she is 1 1/2.

I brought this up to my wife, mentioning that I would consider counseling to try to mend the fence that apparently “I” destroyed. I was expected a response much different that the one I received.

Up until this point, I have been going with the old additive “Kill them with Kindness”. Anytime something has broken or gone wrong, I have dropped what I was doing and went and took care of it. I have known that she has made an attempt to “move on” with her life. I have kept my opinions and feelings to myself. My honest opinion is that it is rather soon, which brings up other questions that I have.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m coming off my first full weekend with my kids. They stayed with me at my place and we had a great time. We played and watched kid shows all weekend. (Not sure how much more Sofia the First I can take). It was very hard to take them home. Putting my oldest to bed, at her house, was very difficult. She didn’t want me to leave, but I knew I had to.

The post For My Girls appeared first on #Dadtography.

Life as a new single dad has been a rough adjustment. But Dadtographer Joseph shares with us how he's trying to adapt after a separation.

The post Adjusting to Life as a New Single Dad… appeared first on #Dadtography - A Parenting Photography Blog.

For my girls - I don't know where to go from here. I'm coming off my first full weekend with my kids.

The post For My Girls appeared first on #Dadtography - A Parenting Photography Blog.

As a single dad, getting to spend every moment with my kids is important to me. I was very lucky this weekend, with today being a holiday, I was able to have my kids for an extended time rather than just Friday through Sunday. What a great time we had! Let’s see if I can […]

The post Single Dad Reflections: Long Weekends Don’t Feel “Long” to Me appeared first on #Dadtography - A Parenting Photography Blog.

Another great piece from Dr. Robert Erdei writing about one of his passions and specialties: Raising Resilient Kids After Divorce. How do children of divorce survive and thrive?

The post Memoirs of a Psychologist: Raising Resilient Kids After Divorce appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Parenting Photography Blog.

Psychologist Dr. Robert Erdei weighs in on the effects of divorce on men with this newest piece in the "Memoirs of a Psychologist" series.

The post Memoirs of a Psychologist: Effects of Divorce on Men appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Parenting Photography Blog.

One of the greatest risks for children who experience divorce may be that they learn it as the sole solution to marital problems.

The post Memoirs of a Psychologist: Divorce’s Effects on Children appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Parenting Photography Blog.

Here are our top 3 best tips from a former single dad that you just can't afford to ignore if you're single or divorced and considering dating a single mom or single dad.

The post Dating Tips for Single Parents from a Former Single Dad appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Parenting Photography Blog.

I am Simon from Doctor Foster. Well, not on the show, but I am Simon in the real world. I hid my infidelity for years, only to be caught. My life took off like a roaring brush fire. I lost it all; I hit rock bottom. But I also survived. I don't know if I should tell my new wife about my past life.

The post I am Simon from #DoctorFoster. Not the actor, but every other way you can imagine. appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Photography and Travel Blog.

Life as a new single dad has been a rough adjustment. But Dadtographer Joseph shares with us how he's trying to adapt after a separation.

The post Adjusting to Life as a New Single Dad… appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Photography and Travel Blog.

For my girls - I don't know where to go from here. I'm coming off my first full weekend with my kids.

The post For My Girls appeared first on Dadtography.com - A Photography and Travel Blog.